I am embarking on a 2 day interstate trip. My niece is getting married and the whole family is going to be there. This will be hell. Though my family knows I have agoraphobia and chronic anxiety, do they understand just how hard this kind of thing is for me? Do they appreciate that the absolute fear and panic I will endure is more than anybody should have to feel in a lifetime? I know that I will not get supportive or reassuring comments. I know that when I am feeling my anxiety is boiling over to the panic point if I ask one of them if I am ok they will most probably either criticize me for being stupid or just abuse me for being selfish. What can I do though? It is my nieces wedding day. I am going, no matter how it will kill some more of me inside. So bless you anyone who reads this missive. May your lives never know the depth of horror my mind takes me to.
Man… what a shitter. Had to go visit my nephew today. Him and his fiance and their little baby girl have moved into their first house as a family. We were having a little housewarming sausage sizzle to celebrate. Anyway, the trip there was ok, I managed to hold myself together remarkably well… as soon as we pulled up out front though, I opened the car door and stood up and like a motherfucking freight train a Full Blown Grade A panic attack hit me out of fucking nowhere. Like the whole kit and caboodle. Less than 3 seconds between ‘hey let’s get this party started’ and ‘OH MY FUCKING GOD I CAN’T BREATHE AND MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE THROUGH MY CHEST’.
Kind of sucks that I was actually almost used to these attacks when I was having between 6-10 full blown ones a day. I have not had a big one for ooooh almost a year I guess and boy did this knock the shit out of me. So yeah, any of you fellow anxiety peeps out there can imagine that the day has been pretty much stuffed from that point on.
Wanna know a good thing though? I lived through it. As uncomfortable as it was it did not kill me.
The bad thing though is that I know they are going to continue to occur. And the more I try to expand my world and try to break this agoraphobia, the panic attacks will increase in number, duration and severity.
Even though I hate this life, it is the only one I have and being scared to live it is kind of silly…
Do you know that feeling? The inexplicable and persistent feeling of bone deep dread? One which is impossible to ignore, and you just can’t shake it? Well that has been my saturday, all day. I did manage to go buy some groceries with the help of one of my ‘safety’ people though. I really hope I can wake up tomorrow without this feeling…
"I never thought that I would need to justify a reason to continue in this life I lead. I fucking hate the world, I fucking hate myself. I fucking swore I’d never feel like this." (This part i can’t even…)
I finally got a psych to admit that the Cymbalta tablets are failing me. They had me on double the recommended dosage and I was still getting withdrawal symptoms within 6 hours of taking them. I am going thru the quick wean-off period of 5 days then I will be starting on the trusty old Paroxetine again. This stuff helped me out once when I was bad, let’s hope I can get some reprieve again this time. Trying to live while one’s anxiety is ruthlessly out of control is not pleasant, as some of you know.
Anyhow peeps, remember… if it aint working, change it. These medicines are there to try and give us some kind of quality of life, but they have to be working for you first before you can do the real work of changing your actions/reactions to life’s troubles.
Yesterday’s exercise session was 25 minutes on the bike, 11k’s distance with heart-rate at 112. Tonight, barely survived doing 20 minutes for 7k’s with heart-rate at 130 in the first 5 minutes. On the verge of panic at every pedal. That is anxiety for you!